This week we have mostly been enjoying

Posted on April 22, 2012 by allleo

Jessie J
This week an ‘explosive’ new book – boom! – has said Jessie J is 100 per cent gay but her record label told her to tell people she was bi-sexual in case it turned off male fans. When has being a lesbian ever turned off a guy? We thought that was pay dirt. If her record label wanted to put off male fans maybe they should give her a Playmobil haircut and camel-toe resistant stretch leggings. Oh.

Simon Cowell’s lovelife
Not to be outdone by Jessie J and The Voice, there’s also been another ‘explosive’ book – boom! – on Mr X Factor which has been leaking all sorts of stuff. Including deets of the ins and outs of his bottom. More of which you can find here.

Fail of the week
Banker David Merkur, 28, who kept a spreadsheet on which he scored and monitored the dates he went on. And it seems he was quite busy as he had eight women on the go at once – nice work, fella – but managed to bring the eight down to zero when he emailed the spreadsheet to one of them, saying, ‘I hope this email doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon :) ’

Naturally, she forwarded that email on. Hang on a minute, isn’t this an episode of
Sex and the City? Whatever, we’re sure Excel are thrilled with the PR.

Fail #2 of the week
The play of the film, The Kings Speech is to close less than two months after its West End premiere. A producer said, ‘At the start of this year, we believed that enough time had passed between the film and our opening. This clearly was not the case.’ It was 2010!!! It was also one of the most successful independent British film ever!!!

Meaning a lot of people saw it and may not want to see it again with less famous people in it, in a cramped old musty space when you’ve not had the time to have dinner and have to wait until 10.30 to eat and, and, and.

The return of Hannibal Lecter
How we’ve missed you. But we hear you’re to star in a new 13-episode TV series based on the books and films you’ve helped make famous. And – note to theatre people – it’s been more than two years since we’ve shared in your achievements. We’re going to watch with a nice bottle of chianti.

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Simon Cowell FYI…

Posted on April 18, 2012 by allleo

We’re looking forward to the release of the new unauthorised Simon Cowell biography by Tom Bower, Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell.

While we’re really keen to get to the bottom of Sinitta, ahem, we’ve been kept up to date with the ins and outs of Simon Cowell’s life in a press campaign that’s been as unrelenting as the one for Britain’s Got Talent. And so you (and we) don’t actually have to read the book – God! – we’ve scratched through the internet for some of the book’s juicy revelations and claims to enjoy with you. Hurrah.

Simon Cowell’s back bottom
Is treated to £10-a-roll black toilet paper in the many bathrooms of his London and Los Angeles homes. It also reportedly gets some colonic irrigation.

Simon Cowell has had some girlfriends
Including the one and only Dannii Minogue apparently. His publicist, Max Clifford said, ‘It’s open season. Yesterday six different girls called my office who supposedly have had relationships with Simon. I’m sure loads of girls will be contacting newspapers, many of whom have probably never met him or just had a picture taken with him. That will happen because of the Tom Bower book.’

Surely this kind of thing doesn’t happen does it? And where, oh where, does Sinitta stand in all of this?

Simon Cowell has a fabulous beauty regime
According to The Sun who’ve got this from the book, he apparently gets Botox on a six monthly basis and regular intravenous vitamin injections to keep him on tip top form. He also has massages, chest waxes, wears tooth caps and dies his hair. Please shout if any of this is a surprise to you.

Simon Cowell drives cars
But not all at the same time. He has a fleet, which includes two Rolls-Royces, a custom-made Ferrari and a Bentley convertible. He also has a 193ft yacht, Slipstream but what’s more interesting is…

Simon Cowell can walk on water
Ish. According to the claims, he has a waterfall in the backyard of his US pad, which has a ‘trick pathway’ which when he walks across it, it look like he can walk on water. But can he make a success out of Little Mix that’s the question.

Our heart does go out to Mr Simon Cowell though. We’d hate to think what kind of revelations Tom Bower would come up if he scraped our surface.

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This week we have mostly been enjoying.

Posted on April 15, 2012 by allleo

- Britney Spears is now an X Factor judge according to multiple reports. She’s getting paid £9.4 million apparently – for what we all do at home for free, but anyway, it’ll be interesting to see if she’s be able to pass on down the secret of lip-syncing live.

- Sausages. Mmm. Aren’t they tasty. Not so tasty in Slovenia and Austria though where the nations are quite frankly gagging on them. And not in a good way.

Apparently, a row has broken out between the two nations about the Kranjska klobasa, or Krainer sausage.

You know the one made with minced pork and seasoned with garlic. They want it to have protected EU status, like Parmesan, champagne and the Cornish pasty but Austria are upset because their cheese-filled sausage the Kaesekrainer, is a great favourite and. and, it’s all complicated and very upsetting for these nations and for sausage lovers at large. We fear how this is going to impact on Eurovision.

- Unusual celebrity couplings. Despite rumours, pix and tweets, sulky songstress
Lana Del Rey and Axl Rose are not dating according to his guitarist but she has been
pictured wearing a Guns N’ Roses T-shirt. We don’t know what to make of this but it seems as complex as the Da Vinci code (for dumbasses like us).

Meanwhile, in other random celebrity duo news, reality star par excellence Kim Kardashian is dating rapper par excellence Kanye West. They must have lots in
common. Like their names beginning with K.

We can’t wait to see who’s next. You know who’d be a good odd couple: Susan Boyle and; anyone really.

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married! We love a happy ending. Although we reckon that this is an ending we’ll never hear the end of. Brad has reportedly designed a ring, the kids are very happy and we’ve certainly used this as an excuse to raise a glass this weekend. But the big questions still remain: Will they risk the curse of the OK/Hello wedding? And have they got a wedding list at John Lewis? Will they make us sit around for hours on the day through speeches, photographs, the whole shebang when quite frankly we’re hungry.

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This week we have mostly been enjoying…

Posted on April 8, 2012 by allleo

- Easter. Really in these dark days, surely any excuse to stop work, lie on a couch and eat chocolate can only be a good thing, non? And with an added hot cross bun, then this is pretty much nirvana for us.

Ask us how our diet is going on Tuesday.

- Samantha Brick. How we enjoyed her tale about the woes of incomparable beauty that like, just got everyone to fall at her feet and give her free stuff. We know what we’d like to give her.

But we were in Caffe Nero this week and got a free coffee. For a minute we thought we knew how it felt to be her until we realised we’d just maxed out our loyalty card.

The whole sorry tale just proves that while you can be truly, truly beautiful and like hotttt (extra t’s to imply extra hotness) you’re still a Brickhead.

- Edinburgh Zoo’s giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have failed to mate during her annual ovulation period so far. Since we can remember this kind of non-activity has been a headline-grabbing event – and not just on Blue Peter.

We don’t understand why. Surely, if pandas never do the do (as it seems they don’t), then it’s a non-story, right?

- Irish stand-up fan Jamie O’Brien has got a tattoo of his local comedy club’s logo on his arm. For real.

Hearing about this exciting endorsement, the organisers of Ardee Laughs only went and changed their logo for a joke.

According to Chortle, Alan Gernon, who runs the comedy nights, said: ‘We heard Jamie was going to get it done so decided to play a little trick on him. I asked our designer to design the worst possible logo for Ardee Laughs and he duly obliged.’

Not thinking anything about the name of the comedy club, then?

‘We brought Jamie on stage to show off his tattoo to the packed crowd, whose gasps of disbelief turned to laughter when I then revealed our new logo. Jamie didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.’

‘The funniest thing was a lot of people thought the new logo looked great and that we should keep it.’

LOL etc, but the happy ever after was that Jamie was given free entry to the Co Louth club for life. He must feel like Samantha Brick.

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