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When a country qualifies, the the first thing the players do – after celebrating with their wives, then girlfriends, then strangers – is ask, “Right, what shall we sing?” This is by no means a new concept. Back in 1966, the England squad’s official World Cup tune was called ‘World Cup Willie‘. Of course, that was a more innocent age. Today, ‘World Cup Willie‘ is more likely to be a kiss-and-tell headline about a player who can’t keep it in his pants.

And with Euro 2012 in full swing, now’s the time to re-live a few of the most, shall we say, memorable football songs of all time.

Let’s start with Germany. When it comes to penalty shoot outs they’re always on target, but musically, not so much. In 1994, a friend of ours ate a chocolate brownie in an Amsterdam cafe and claimed he saw the Village People singing with some tone deaf Germans. Oh how we laughed until it turned out the brownie wasn’t laced with naughtiness, he was simply watching MTV. You see, the Village People had got together with the German national team to record their official song, Far Away in America.

And the Germans have previous. In 1986, they celebrated reaching the World Cup finals by recording Mi Amor. A gang of German men singing in Italian about their upcoming trip to Mexico. Go figure.

If Braveheart were alive and writing songs, buy cialis online we’d imagine he’d have come up with something as jingoistic as Del Amitri and Scotland’s 1998 track, Don’t Come Home Too buy cialis online Soon. Some people believe in the power of positive thinking. That you can make things happen by vocalising them so if you want a new job and keep saying “I will get a new job” a new job you shall get. Anyway, it didn’t work for Scotland. They finished bottom of their group and went out in the first round.

In 2002, loveable non-identical twins Ant and Dec released We’re on the Ball. With lines such as, ‘We’re on the ball, we’re on the ball, we’re on the ball, we’re on the ball’, it’s basically the football equivalent of ‘Where’s my keys, where’s my phone’. In fact, you never see Mr Zil and Ant and Dec in the same room, do you? Hhmmm…

It was left to Frank Skinner, David Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds to discover the antidote to the poisoned chalice that is footie songs, with their quite simply stunning effort: Three Lions. Sure, “Three lions on a shirt” might sound like a horrific accident at Longleat but it’s actually “The most popular England song of all time“. Not our words, but the words of the Telegraph and they’re posh and use big words so it must be true.

It’s only fitting that we end by discussing Poland’s official song for Euro 2012. As co-hosts it was important the public voted for a modern song that appealed to youngsters. Instead they chose a folk song sung by 8 women, one of whom is 82. One thing’s for sure, by Christmas we’ll probably have forgotten who won Euro 2012 but ‘Koko Euro Spoko‘ will feature on BBC3 clipshows for years.

Also (not) known as the Eurovision Ball Contest

On Friday, the best people in Europe at kicking a ball will start kicking balls and they’ll keep kicking balls until, three weeks later, one of them kicks a ball into a net once more than someone else kicks a ball into a net, making them the winners at kicking balls and the other team massive losers.

Yes, Euro 2012 is here! [Insert your own cheer or groan].

Football. Some call it the beautiful game, others call it Soccer but they’re Americans so we’ll ignore them as they also think your bum is a ‘fanny’. Hilarious.

We haven’t done any research but off the top of our heads, football was probably invented by Nigel Tutankhamen (no relation) in 1842. Scholars originally believed it was a Tuesday but a $140 million study by the University of Tripe in 2015 revealed it was actually a Wednesday.

The reason there are 11 players on each side, or ‘team’, is because Nigel made up the rules and it was his favourite number. The first football wasn’t actually a football but a spherical composite of earwax and Yorkshire pudding. We’ve come a long way since then, of course: today’s balls are designed by the runner’s up on The Apprentice.

Traditionally, only one person on each team is allowed to touch the ball with their hands – hence the clever name ‘football’ – but in 1986 Argentina’s Madonna changed everything when she punched the ball into England’s goal with her fist. Or something like that. It became known as the Hand of God, which is a bit unfair as God was actually in Florence at the time, purchasing leather goods.

Even if you don’t like football, there’s lots of fun to be had, especially when the players surnames sound like rude words. For years, Seaman was buy cheap cialis online always on England’s team sheet, Germany had Kuntz upfront and France played with Fanni. Although Americans probably called him Bum.

If you’re one of those people who like women, you may notice that there are no women kicking balls in Euro 2012. To make up for this, the cameramen will focus on every single woman in the crowd for slightly longer than is appropriate – especially if they’re scantily-clad, jumping up and down and/or well endowed. If a woman with all three of those attributes is located, the match is called off and she’s given her own prime time show in Italy.

So, will you be watching grown men kick balls for the next month? We’re going to give it a go. After all, it’s the only time you’d ever see Seaman and Kuntz on TV without subscribing to a cable channel that’s most probably illegal in Western Europe.

Of course, if you want to steer clear of all things ball-related, we’ll be here as always with more comedy than you can shake a vuvuzela at. After all, there’s no offside on our side.

We’re talking about the American tradition that is the bachelor party – ‘stag do’ to you and I – with Mike & Molly’s Reno Wilson. But he isn’t describing the recent episode in the sitcom; he’s talking about the striking similarity of it to his own bachelor party.

‘The groom is always like ‘I just want to stay home or do whatever’ and they’re like nah we gotta go out!’

But just like Carl in Mike & Molly ‘it’s always about the best man,’ Reno says.

‘When I was getting married I just wanted to have a little gathering with my friends and they wanted to go to the strip club. They had this elaborate plan. It was at a friend’s house and they invited these strippers over and they never showed up!’

…cue the awkward image of a jailhouse…

‘After that didn’t work they said OK we’ll take you to a strip club…and then they wanted to buy me a lap dance, so I said ‘alright fine’, but the girl comes over and she looks like my niece.

‘I said I’m out of here and that’s the last time I ever went into a strip club. Never again.’

Probably wise.

So familiar strippers aside what does the future hold for the third series of Mike & Molly Season 3 then now the pair will have truly settled down? A baby?

‘Wouldn’t that be fantastic?! I’d love to see Carl and Christina babysitting, trying to change some big ass baby diapers!’

For now though, all we can do is muse as not even the actors know what creator Mark Roberts has in store for their characters…

‘We have no idea. We don’t know what’s going to happen until we sit down read the script at the table.

‘We get the script the night before. Literally they give us no indication about what’s coming. I think Mark Roberts knows what’s going to happen but he doesn’t want us to know. Ain’t that something?’

Wouldn’t that make it harder to perform on the night though?

‘Oh no it’s fantastic because it keeps us in the moment, keeps us present, we’re not thinking about where we’re going, we’re just thinking about where we’re at.’

Compared to the other two main Chuck Lorre-helmed US comedies Reno says he hopes for a nice long run:

‘You know we’re sandwiched between The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men so hopefully some of that will rub off on us.

‘But I have to tell you it’s the best set in town because there’s real love between all of us and we’re grown folks on the show. We’ve got buy cialis families, we’re parents and I think everybody’s had shows, has had disappointments, ups and downs, and it’s the most thankful, appreciative and grateful set I’ve ever been on – it’s a great vibe.’

Makes you just want to go and give him a big hug doesn’t it? But I couldn’t. He was on the other end of a phone.

Watch Reno assume his best man duties Monday from 9pm in the double bill season 2 finale of Mike & Molly only on Comedy Central.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting

The movie is getting mixed reviews so we have gathered some nuggets of information from the cast themselves to see if they can shed some light on the baby flick.

Anna Kendrick, who plays Rosie in the film, says: ‘It’s directed at women but it’s not a film men wouldn’t enjoy – it’s a pro-dad film. It’s not about strong women and the terrible men who have abandoned them. There’s stuff for guys in it but I should imagine that stuff’s there for the guys taken to it by their lady friends.’

Elizabeth Banks, who plays Wendy, says: ‘I cried when I read the script. It has a really great ending: at the end of the movie, everybody has a baby!’

To buy cialis online be fair we kinda saw that ending coming but sorry for the spoiler if you didn’t.

Matthew Morrison, who plays Evan, says: ‘My dad is a midwife, so I grew up hearing all these stories. I was so scared of sex! He’d show me every possible venereal disease and say, “I delivered a 14-year-old’s baby today.” When I was a senior in high school, I helped him deliver two babies. In fact, I want my dad to deliver my baby – what a great story that would be for my child to tell, that his grandfather brought him into this world. Though obviously, my wife would have to be okay with it!’

What a pleasant thought….

Chase Crawford, who plays Marco in the movie, says: ‘I remember getting in there doing rehearsals with Kirk here and trying to choreograph how we were going to conceive the child on the hood of a car. We were trying to choreograph that whole sort of dance, and it was awkward and fun. She’s witty, tons of banter. It was great to play off of her.’

‘Play off her’… erm… ahem.

And you’ll be pleased that we’ve put this feature together all without one mention of Cheryl Cole. Yay… oh.

American Idol – Despite a girl who could out-Whitney Whitney, who knew the hot guy
would win? And for the fifth year running, it’s a white guy with a guitar – we’re
noticing a trend. Were we the only ones who thought true talent would out? But we
look forward to hearing about Philip Philips onward trajectory into Matt Cardle
territory. Talking of which.

Matt Cardle – Has been ‘released’ from his record label contract. Emphasis no doubt on the ‘released’. We hope somebody
is letting those poor people know who are currently queuing up for this week’s
auditions that it may only be a temp job after all.

X Factor – We can’t help but read between the lines, add 1+1 and come up with 3
but is it just us or does nobody really want to be a judge on X Factor? Except
maybe Geri Halliwell?

Kylie Minogue – Is back to celebrate her 25th year in pop business. Which is great
news no doubt for hotpants lovers the world over … Anyway, to celebrate this pinnacle of achievement she’s been blessed with a new video for ‘Timebomb‘ that is little better than a flash mob coupled with a powerpoint presentation. Are times really that tough!?

Eurovision – Talking of economic downturn, please spare a thought for poor Pastora
Soler, the Spanish entrant. Times is tough in Espain and according to AFP new
agency, she revealed pre-Eurovision, ‘I think it is not the moment, neither for Spain nor for the Spanish public, to win buy viagra online Eurovision.’ Having heard the song last night, we think she didn’t have too much to worry about.

Britain’s Got Untalent came to a climax last week with dancing dog trick act
Ashleigh and Pudsey scooping a £500,000 prize and the threat, sorry promise to
perform in front of the Queen. Simon Cowell said the pair were one of his ‘favourite
ever acts’.  Which buy cialis leaves One Direction where.? Oh, we know: Stateside making him money.

Facebook

We’re thrilled to hear that their share prices have jumped from $38 to $42 in the
first few minutes of trading. We like to feel we’ve done our bit as we were able to
put some extra hours in on Farmville this week.

John Travolta

Yes, still loving.

The Olympics

Are nearly upon us and the Olympic flame has travelled from Athens to London on
board a flight. Excuse us, but how did it get through security? We hope they made it
take its shoes off.
And what’s more in its current economic climate, we thought Greece may well not be
able to afford to send its flame on a holiday.

A Russian man

No, we weren’t enjoying this gentleman literally but we very much liked the story of how he jumped down a rubbish chute, hurtled down three floors only to be extracted by
emergency services in his apartment block and wind up in hospital all in a bid to
escape his girlfriend. The ultimate d’oh is that it’s way harder to escape her when
she turns up in hospital with grapes – oh, sorry, it’s Russia – turns up with a
beetroot.

Donkeys

Again, not literally. But we enjoyed the results of a two-day conference about
‘donkey, mule and hinny cultures worldwide’ – we don’t even know what a hinny is but
if only we’d been there.
Ben Hart of the Donkey Sanctuary suggested that ‘evolutionary histories of donkeys
and mules’ had led to misunderstood behaviour and a bad rep because we’ve been
comparing them to horses since day one. Oh noooooooooo. That’s where we’ve been
going wrong with Farmville.

Brad Pitt
He’s now flogging, no, we should say: is the new face of Chanel No.5. Does this mean we’re never going to see that inspirational advert with Nicole Kidman any more: ‘I love to dance…’

John Travolta
Allegedly. We’re too scared of legalities to be able to say how we’ve mostly been enjoying him this week.

Britney Spears
According to reports, she’s now $15 million richer for watching, critiquing and oh yeah, ‘mentoring’ hopefuls on Simon Cowell’s conveyor belt to degradation, sorry stardom.

Prince Charles and Camilla
Found new jobs as weather presenters this week. Sadly they couldn’t do anything about the same old weather in Scotland.

David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks
It’s been reported our PM has had a ‘textual’ relationship with the former Sun and News of the World editor but didn’t really manage to get a grip of the concept of LOL. Which made folks on the interweb LOL. We’re not even going to mention ROFL.

Rihanna
One minute she’s hanging out with Beyonce at the Met Gala, the next she was attached to an IV drip in hospital (which we thought for a minute might actually contain Mojito). Fortunately, none of the above has meant any diminishment in her ability to use Twitter. Maybe she could teach David Cameron about LOL.

After performances on Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow, Russell Howard’s Good News and a memorable appearance on Dave’s One Night Stand – he made a pregnant woman laugh so much her water broke – Craig talks about returning to Edinburgh, which Avenger he’s most like and an awful snowboarding accident in Canada…

By now you’ve extensively toured the UK. Where was the most remote place you visited? How was the show there?
Got as far as Shetland early in the tour and am headed to the Orkney Isles

on this round. The Shetland show was a blast and the hospitality I received was moving, from arrival to departure the experience was exciting and too long in coming, can’t wait to go back!

Have any more pregnant women gone into labour during your show since the last time?
Not that I’ve been told about, no. As you may have already assumed I’m not very good at keeping that sort of information secret

Besides our lack of speed signs on the motorway which British law(s) confound you the most?
As an expat Canadian I find myself confounded more by your lack of enforcement of existing laws than by the laws themselves. Btw if you’re reading this on your phone as you’re zipping down the motorway then please stop doing so and if you’re finished passing please move to the left as the Highway Code instructs you to do

What are you most looking forward to this year?  Edinburgh? The Olympics? The possible end of the world?
Edinburgh’s gonna be pretty damn exciting with l’il ol’ me being part of the wickedest damn ensemble show the capital’s seen in quite some time when ‘The Return of the Lumberjacks’ with the ever awesome joke-smith Stewart Francis and the phenomenal comic genius Glenn Wool roll into E’burg’toon! The end of the world should be pretty damn exhilarating as well…

What do you think distinguishes yourself from the other stand-up comedians around?
My contentment with my life and career perhaps? I’m living in a constant state of feeling the need to pinch myself as the last three years and what’s on the horizon have been a dream come true! If life’s about snowboarding, mountain biking and performing comedy with your friends (which clearly it is!) then I’m living the damn dream-a-roony!!

You’ve lifted material from events in your life such as your friends mugging- has anything else equally frightening/exciting happened to you this year?
Blasted my face open on a tree snowboarding in Canada this Feb’, that was fairly exciting as blood looks pretty dramatic against snow but as always I need and want more!

Which stand-up newcomer have you been impressed by recently and why?
Don’t really run in those circles too often so… Had the pleasure of working with Matt Rees at the Cardiff Comedy fest last summer and he seemed to be rocking the audiences world pretty sweetly!

What made you make the leap into stand-up in the first place?
Stark logic! Fun, travel, freedom of expression and independence of thought and finance.. In this fascist ball-gagging world of crippling corporate compromise?! C’mon head-give-shake!

Which Marvel Avenger do you think you’re most like?
The Hulk I suppose… Just keep pushing buddy…

What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?
Been a long while since I’ve remembered one I’m afraid… My good woman has them all the time and she tells me all about them… I tune out as I fully expect you’re doing right now

What would the title of your autobiography be?
‘Bigger and Hairier’

If you could bring back any TV show what would it be?
Dragnet… damn awesomeness and good clean fun!

Good day!

Craig Campbell Live is currently touring the UK and will be performing at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London on May 25th. For tickets visit www.craigcampbelltour.com

Adele
Well done, lovely lady for out-selling Michael Jackson’s Thriller. And without the aid of one glittery glove, one 15 minute zombie video or one rumour about being cryogenically frozen. But please can we stop Rolling In The Deep now. We actually think we’re done.

Munch
Someone still has £74 million in the bank to buy a painting: Munch’s The Scream to be precise. What’s more it’s one of four, so it’s not like it’s even a one-off. WTF? We can’t help but think if we were to have a spare £74 million, we’d be more likely to spend it on some kind of hot lady dancing around in close proximity to us than on some bald-headed freak on a bridge. No wonder they want to remain anonymous.

Facebook
Facebook has set the share price for its upcoming initial public offering (IPO) at between $28 and $35 per share – we don’t quite understand what that means, but we hear the company is therefore valued at between $85billion-$95billion. Maybe we all need to think about that the next time we upload a picture of tanning booth mom as our status update.

Elsewhere…

Lee Ryan
From of off boy band Blue almost did jury duty this week. Let’s just wonder what this says about our judicial system here in the UK for a minute…

…

Or maybe, you’d like to think about whether you’d like Lee Ryan sitting on the jury judging you? Not convinced? Well, apparently our hero tweeted: ‘Jury service!! Feel like I’m back at school!’ Anyway, that’s probably more interesting than ‘new single out next week’.
However, we were sadly reprieved from source of comedy when the judge asked him to stand down. Boo.

Tanning booth mom
And we can’t help but

go back to American tanning booth mom Patricia Krentcil! Apparently, she has pleaded not guilty in court to a charge of child endangerment for allegedly allowing her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth.

We don’t know what’s upset us more about this story, but surely if you want a living embodiment of Munch’s The Scream for the 21st Century, Patricia Krentcil is pretty much it.

Not that it’s anything new for studios to resurrect successful franchises for a new generation but luckily American Pie: Reunion is nowhere near Die Hard 4.0 territory –that would just be silly.

Nine-ish years since the last American Pie film (don’t get

us started on the spin-offs – all of which Eugene Levy was somehow tricked into doing) Jim and Michelle are still married with a sprog in tow, Kevin somehow convinced someone to marry him, Chris has made a living embarrassing himself on national television, Finch went off-grid and Stiffler – well he hasn’t changed one little bit. We’d be disappointed if he had.

Stiffler, who’s resisted to become a grown up at every turn, is the catalyst for a new round of gross-out shenanigans fans of the films have come to expect but knee-jerk laughs aside, it’s not going to win any awards for originality.

That said, it’s a treat being drip-fed original cast member cameos throughout the film and you find yourself oddly caring about what happened to the MILF guys, Jessica, Nadia and Sherman as if we actually grew up with them.

Uber Pie fans will delight at the occasional use of songs from the original soundtrack and there’s a ‘twist’ that provides much-needed resolution for one particular character – we won’t spoil it but it’ll leave you with a permanent grin on your face.

Relying heavily on the nostalgia factor, this reunion is a must-see for American Pie fans and while it didn’t leave us with quite the sensation that Jim once felt when he ‘became one’ with that pie, the memories more than compensated for it.

The best piece of the pie? No but certainly a tasty one…and better than the third.

American Pie: Reunion is out in cinemas now.