Brad Pitt
He’s now flogging, no, we should say: is the new face of Chanel No.5. Does this mean we’re never going to see that inspirational advert with Nicole Kidman any more: ‘I love to dance…’

John Travolta
Allegedly. We’re too scared of legalities to be able to say how we’ve mostly been enjoying him this week.

Britney Spears
According to reports, she’s now $15 million richer for watching, critiquing and oh yeah, ‘mentoring’ hopefuls on Simon Cowell’s conveyor belt to degradation, sorry stardom.

Prince Charles and Camilla
Found new jobs as weather presenters this week. Sadly they couldn’t do anything about the same old weather in Scotland.

David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks
It’s been reported our PM has had a ‘textual’ relationship with the former Sun and News of the World editor but didn’t really manage to get a grip of the concept of LOL. Which made folks on the interweb LOL. We’re not even going to mention ROFL.

Rihanna
One minute she’s hanging out with Beyonce at the Met Gala, the next she was attached to an IV drip in hospital (which we thought for a minute might actually contain Mojito). Fortunately, none of the above has meant any diminishment in her ability to use Twitter. Maybe she could teach David Cameron about LOL.

After performances on Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow, Russell Howard’s Good News and a memorable appearance on Dave’s One Night Stand – he made a pregnant woman laugh so much her water broke – Craig talks about returning to Edinburgh, which Avenger he’s most like and an awful snowboarding accident in Canada…

By now you’ve extensively toured the UK. Where was the most remote place you visited? How was the show there?
Got as far as Shetland early in the tour and am headed to the Orkney Isles on this round. The Shetland show was a blast and the hospitality I received was moving, from arrival to departure the experience was exciting and too long in coming, can’t wait to go back!

Have any more pregnant women gone into labour during your show since the last time?
Not that I’ve been told about, no. As you may have already assumed I’m not very good at keeping that sort of information secret

Besides our lack of speed signs on the motorway which British law(s) confound you the most?
As an expat Canadian I find myself confounded more by your lack of enforcement of existing laws than by the laws themselves. Btw if you’re reading this on your phone as you’re zipping down the motorway then please stop doing so and if you’re finished passing please move to the left as the Highway Code instructs you to do

What are you most looking forward to this year?  Edinburgh? The Olympics? The possible end of the world?
Edinburgh’s gonna be pretty damn exciting with l’il ol’ me being part of the wickedest damn ensemble show the capital’s seen in quite some time when ‘The Return of the Lumberjacks’ with the ever awesome joke-smith Stewart Francis and the phenomenal comic genius Glenn Wool roll into E’burg’toon! The end of the world should be pretty damn exhilarating as well…

What do you think distinguishes yourself from the other stand-up comedians around?
My contentment with my life and career perhaps? I’m living in a constant state of feeling the need to pinch myself as the last three years and what’s on the horizon have been a dream come true! If life’s about snowboarding, mountain biking and performing comedy with your friends (which clearly it is!) then I’m living the damn dream-a-roony!!

You’ve lifted material from events in your life such as your friends mugging- has anything else equally frightening/exciting happened to you this year?
Blasted my face open on a tree snowboarding in Canada this Feb’, that was fairly exciting as blood looks pretty dramatic against snow but as always I need and want more!

Which stand-up newcomer have you been impressed by recently and why?
Don’t really run in those circles too often so… Had the pleasure of working with Matt Rees at the Cardiff Comedy fest last summer and he seemed to be rocking the audiences world pretty sweetly!

What made you make the leap into stand-up in the first place?
Stark logic! Fun, travel, freedom of expression and independence of thought and finance.. In this fascist ball-gagging world of crippling corporate compromise?! C’mon head-give-shake!

Which Marvel Avenger do you think you’re most like?
The Hulk I suppose… Just keep pushing buddy…

What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?
Been a long while since I’ve remembered one I’m afraid… My good woman has them all the time and she tells me all about them… I tune out as I fully expect you’re doing right now

What would the title of your autobiography be?
‘Bigger and Hairier’

If you could bring back any TV show what would it be?
Dragnet… damn awesomeness and good clean fun!

Good day!

Craig Campbell Live is currently touring the UK and will be performing at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London on May 25th. For tickets visit www.craigcampbelltour.com

Adele
Well done, lovely lady for out-selling Michael Jackson’s Thriller. And without the aid of one glittery glove, one 15 minute zombie video or one rumour about being cryogenically frozen. But please can we stop Rolling In The Deep now. We actually think we’re done.

Munch
Someone still has £74 million in the bank to buy a painting: Munch’s The Scream to be precise. What’s more it’s one of four, so it’s not like it’s even a one-off. WTF? We can’t help but think if we were to have a spare £74 million, we’d be more likely to spend it on some kind of hot lady dancing around in close proximity to us than on some bald-headed freak on a bridge. No wonder they want to remain anonymous.

Facebook
Facebook has set the share price for its upcoming initial public offering (IPO) at between $28 and $35 per share – we don’t quite understand what that means, but we hear the company is therefore valued at between $85billion-$95billion. Maybe we all need to think about that the next time we upload a picture of tanning booth mom as our status update.

Elsewhere…

Lee Ryan
From of off boy band Blue almost did jury duty this week. Let’s just wonder what this says about our judicial system here in the UK for a minute…

…

Or maybe, you’d like to think about whether you’d like Lee Ryan sitting on the jury judging you? Not convinced? Well, apparently our hero tweeted: ‘Jury service!! Feel like I’m back at school!’ Anyway, that’s probably more interesting than ‘new single out next week’.
However, we were sadly reprieved from source of comedy when the judge asked him to stand down. Boo.

Tanning booth mom
And we can’t help but go back to American tanning booth mom Patricia Krentcil! Apparently, she has pleaded not guilty in court to a charge of child endangerment for allegedly allowing her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth.

We don’t know what’s upset us more about this story, but surely if you want a living embodiment of Munch’s The Scream for the 21st Century, Patricia Krentcil is pretty much it.

Not that it’s anything new for studios to resurrect successful franchises for a new generation but luckily American Pie: Reunion is nowhere near Die Hard 4.0 territory –that would just be silly.

Nine-ish years since the last American Pie film (don’t get us started on the spin-offs – all of which Eugene Levy was somehow tricked into doing) Jim and Michelle are still married with a sprog in tow, Kevin somehow convinced someone to marry him, Chris has made a living embarrassing himself on national television, Finch went off-grid and Stiffler – well he hasn’t changed one little bit. We’d be disappointed if he had.

Stiffler, who’s resisted to become a grown up at every turn, is the catalyst for a new round of gross-out shenanigans fans of the films have come to expect but knee-jerk laughs aside, it’s not going to win any awards for originality.

That said, it’s a treat being drip-fed original cast member cameos throughout the film and you find yourself oddly caring about what happened to the MILF guys, Jessica, Nadia and Sherman as if we actually grew up with them.

Uber Pie fans will delight at the occasional use of songs from the original soundtrack and there’s a ‘twist’ that provides much-needed resolution for one particular character – we won’t spoil it but it’ll leave you with a permanent grin on your face.

Relying heavily on the nostalgia factor, this reunion is a must-see for American Pie fans and while it didn’t leave us with quite the sensation that Jim once felt when he ‘became one’ with that pie, the memories more than compensated for it.

The best piece of the pie? No but certainly a tasty one…and better than the third.

American Pie: Reunion is out in cinemas now.

The Kardashians

Pigeons
Just when you thought they were no better than rats with wings, the pigeon PR machine throws you a curve ball, coming out with the news that they have ‘satnav brain cells’.
Yes, researchers have discovered a group of 53 brain cells that respond to the Earth’s magnetic field. It all then gets a bit technical and our eyes glazed over a bit, but if this is the case and they have some kind of superhuman powers, why aren’t they all in Hawaii?

The end of Desperate Housewives
Apparently, they’ve shot the last ever Desperate Housewives. Which is surely a blessed relief for everyone – except for a lot of Botox doctors in Hollywood – as it should’ve been put out of its misery many seasons ago.

Batman
DC writer Grant Morrison who helped define the character of Batman has virtually ‘outed’ his creation.
Talking to – who else? – Playboy, he revealed ‘He’s very plutonian in the sense that he’s wealthy and also in the sense that he’s sexually deviant. Gayness is built into Batman. I’m not using gay in the pejorative sense, but Batman is very, very gay. There’s just no denying it. Obviously as a fictional character he’s intended to be heterosexual, but the basis of the whole concept is utterly gay. I think that’s why people like it. All these women fancy him and they all wear fetish clothes and jump around rooftops to get to him. He doesn’t care.’
But if Batman is now gay, then who else? People will be telling us all sorts about Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies next…

So we were drawn to Being Elmo, a new docu-movie about Elmo and the hand that works him…

What is it?

A heartwarming tale of what it really means to be the voice and personality of a muppet, ie. have your hand stuck up a felt back bottom for a living. And in particular the back bottom of Elmo, famed for his work with Sesame Street.

Why?

Well, we were unsure as to whether to big this up, but when everyone literally stood up and went across the office to watch the trailer and said things like ‘awww’ and ‘how cute’, we thought the world should know about this oeuvre and a gentleman called Kevin Clash responsible for making Elmo a star the world over.

What happens?

Muppets with their mouths agape, muppets dancing, muppets kissing children, kids giggling, kids squealing, Whoopi Goldberg and heartwrenching testimonials about the emotional ups and downs of making a career in muppetry: ‘It’s very difficult to make a piece of fabric act like a human being.’

Is it any good?

Yes, apparently. It won this year’s Special Jury Prize at Sundance Film Festival. And a whole bunch of others elsewhere. Sniff it out online or at a cinema near you…

This is a true story and not a plot twist.

What went down?

Jack Donaghy, aka Alec Baldwin delivered some bad news to the cast of TGS, saying they’d have to film all future episodes in advance and not ‘live’ in a cost-cutting exercise (of which the world is now familiar). He said, ‘From now on, you write and shoot the season in two weeks, like Wheel of Fortune and Fox News.’ Cue upset from Kenneth who spends the episode trying to convince everyone live TV is important. Though elsewhere, there’s the usual unravelling of egos etc.

What else?

The TV show also paid homage to TV shows of the past with a series of flashbacks that referenced Dean Martin, The Honeymooners and Amos `n’ Andy. Obviously these mean nothing to us, but thank God humour transcends all frontiers.

Who was there?

The usual gang of course, but 30 Rock added to their ample list of guest appearances with cameos from US heavyweights Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon and Fred Armisen while there were different guest stars for both East and West coast shows in the shape of Paul McCartney and Kim Kardashian. Both of whom needed to use the toilet.

Who flubbed first?

For the East Coast performance, it was Tina Fey when, four minutes in, her tongue tripped over the names of Jenna and Hazel.

And of course, like, why?

Talking before the show, Tina Fey said, ‘NBC asked us if we would consider doing another one and we were like, “Yeah. Sure.” It’s still a lot of work, and I’m sure we’ll have some moments in the next couple of days that are harrowing of like, “Wait, how long is it?” But I think we’re definitely excited to be asked to do it again.’

In the meantime you can watch the current season of 30 Rock Fridays at 10.30pm…

It’s a joyful romp charting the heroic story of a dictator who risks his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed. It’s a tale to warm your heart.

And there are several things we know already about the film which co-stars Megan Fox, Anna Faris and Ben Kingsley:

General Aladeen wasn’t very welcome at the Oscars, Anna Faris had to grow out her armpit hair, Megan Fox plays a hooker who throws a strop when she is paid with rubies rather than diamonds and small children were hurt in the creation of the movie poster (no of course not), but General Aladeen tweeted: ‘My new movie poster is today revealed. It was created by spreading the world’s largest sheet of plastic over the whole of Central Park. Apologies to parents of the children who didn’t get out in time – I thought that there would be enough hot-dogs and oxygen under it for them to survive.’

In fact, you’ll be pleased to know General Aladeen has turned to Twitter to chart his every move in the run-up to the movie’s release and you can follow him via @RepublicWadiya, though here’s a few of our favourite tweets to date…

- Annoyed to see my so called friend, Kim Jong Un has been spreading rumors of his death to avoid returning my Grey’s Anatomy DVDs

- As a romantic Valentine’s day gesture, I today allowed the boyfriend of our captured American hiker to watch her pleasure me via Skype.

- Just bought 3 kilos of enriched uranium from North Korean Craigslist (actually called Kimslist)!

- Aladeen secures sex-activity with his second of the Clinton family. Just Chelsea now remaining.

- All Wadiyans who haven’t seen new Dictator trailer to be executed for treason.

So what we can read into this is The Dictator is a movie about high treason, sex slaves and executions thus tapping into cinema’s perennial crowd pleasing themes of sex and violence. Hurrah.

Simon Cowell’s lovelife
Not to be outdone by Jessie J and The Voice, there’s also been another ‘explosive’ book – boom! – on Mr X Factor which has been leaking all sorts of stuff. Including deets of the ins and outs of his bottom. More of which you can find here.

Fail of the week
Banker David Merkur, 28, who kept a spreadsheet on which he scored and monitored the dates he went on. And it seems he was quite busy as he had eight women on the go at once – nice work, fella – but managed to bring the eight down to zero when he emailed the spreadsheet to one of them, saying, ‘I hope this email doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon ’

Naturally, she forwarded that email on. Hang on a minute, isn’t this an episode of
Sex and the City? Whatever, we’re sure Excel are thrilled with the PR.

Fail #2 of the week
The play of the film, The Kings Speech is to close less than two months after its West End premiere. A producer said, ‘At the start of this year, we believed that enough time had passed between the film and our opening. This clearly was not the case.’ It was 2010!!! It was also one of the most successful independent British film ever!!!

Meaning a lot of people saw it and may not want to see it again with less famous people in it, in a cramped old musty space when you’ve not had the time to have dinner and have to wait until 10.30 to eat and, and, and.

The return of Hannibal Lecter
How we’ve missed you. But we hear you’re to star in a new 13-episode TV series based on the books and films you’ve helped make famous. And – note to theatre people – it’s been more than two years since we’ve shared in your achievements. We’re going to watch with a nice bottle of chianti.

While we’re really keen to get to the bottom of Sinitta, ahem, we’ve been kept up to date with the ins and outs of Simon Cowell’s life in a press campaign that’s been as unrelenting as the one for Britain’s Got Talent. And so you (and we) don’t actually have to read the book – God! – we’ve scratched through the internet for some of the book’s juicy revelations and claims to enjoy with you. Hurrah.

Simon Cowell’s back bottom
Is treated to £10-a-roll black toilet paper in the many bathrooms of his London and Los Angeles homes. It also reportedly gets some colonic irrigation.

Simon Cowell has had some girlfriends
Including the one and only Dannii Minogue apparently. His publicist, Max Clifford said, ‘It’s open season. Yesterday six different girls called my office who supposedly have had relationships with Simon. I’m sure loads of girls will be contacting newspapers, many of whom have probably never met him or just had a picture taken with him. That will happen because of the Tom Bower book.’

Surely this kind of thing doesn’t happen does it? And where, oh where, does Sinitta stand in all of this?

Simon Cowell has a fabulous beauty regime
According to The Sun who’ve got this from the book, he apparently gets Botox on a six monthly basis and regular intravenous vitamin injections to keep him on tip top form. He also has massages, chest waxes, wears tooth caps and dies his hair. Please shout if any of this is a surprise to you.

Simon Cowell drives cars
But not all at the same time. He has a fleet, which includes two Rolls-Royces, a custom-made Ferrari and a Bentley convertible. He also has a 193ft yacht, Slipstream but what’s more interesting is…

Simon Cowell can walk on water
Ish. According to the claims, he has a waterfall in the backyard of his US pad, which has a ‘trick pathway’ which when he walks across it, it look like he can walk on water. But can he make a success out of Little Mix that’s the question.

Our heart does go out to Mr Simon Cowell though. We’d hate to think what kind of revelations Tom Bower would come up if he scraped our surface.