Comedy Central's Guide to Euro 2012

Also (not) known as the Eurovision Ball Contest

On Friday, the best people in Europe at kicking a ball will start kicking balls and they’ll keep kicking balls until, three weeks later, one of them kicks a ball into a net once more than someone else kicks a ball into a net, making them the winners at kicking balls and the other team massive losers.

Yes, Euro 2012 is here! [Insert your own cheer or groan].

Football. Some call it the beautiful game, others call it Soccer but they’re Americans so we’ll ignore them as they also think your bum is a ‘fanny’. Hilarious.

We haven’t done any research but off the top of our heads, football was probably invented by Nigel Tutankhamen (no relation) in 1842. Scholars originally believed it was a Tuesday but a $140 million study by the University of Tripe in 2015 revealed it was actually a Wednesday.

The reason there are 11 players on each side, or ‘team’, is because Nigel made up the rules and it was his favourite number. The first football wasn’t actually a football but a spherical composite of earwax and Yorkshire pudding. We’ve come a long way since then, of course: today’s balls are designed by the runner’s up on The Apprentice.

Traditionally, only one person on each team is allowed to touch the ball with their hands – hence the clever name ‘football’ – but in 1986 Argentina’s Madonna changed everything when she punched the ball into England’s goal with her fist. Or something like that. It became known as the Hand of God, which is a bit unfair as God was actually in Florence at the time, purchasing leather goods.

Even if you don’t like football, there’s lots of fun to be had, especially when the players surnames sound like rude words. For years, Seaman was buy cheap cialis online always on England’s team sheet, Germany had Kuntz upfront and France played with Fanni. Although Americans probably called him Bum.

If you’re one of those people who like women, you may notice that there are no women kicking balls in Euro 2012. To make up for this, the cameramen will focus on every single woman in the crowd for slightly longer than is appropriate – especially if they’re scantily-clad, jumping up and down and/or well endowed. If a woman with all three of those attributes is located, the match is called off and she’s given her own prime time show in Italy.

So, will you be watching grown men kick balls for the next month? We’re going to give it a go. After all, it’s the only time you’d ever see Seaman and Kuntz on TV without subscribing to a cable channel that’s most probably illegal in Western Europe.

Of course, if you want to steer clear of all things ball-related, we’ll be here as always with more comedy than you can shake a vuvuzela at. After all, there’s no offside on our side.