Ashton Kutcher is finally in the Two and a Half Men house, and what a way to start a new season of the show. Premiering in the UK on Tuesday 20th September at 9pm on Comedy Central the first episode gives us some great lines from the Harpers and of course, Walden Schmidt.
And here are our favourites:
Alan: I think we can all agree that Charlie lived life to it’s fullest and gave it everything he had
Isabella: He gave me herpes
Gail: Vaginal Warts
Rose: But I forgave him because I loved him unconditionally so you can imagine my horror when the very next day he slipped on the Metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train.
Berta: Never cross a crazy woman
Rose: I just want you all to know that Charlie didn’t suffer – his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. Thank you.
Jake: I’m hungry. Is anyone else hungry?
Berta: Charlie was the best boss I ever had. I needed a day off? ‘Sure Berta no problem.’ I needed a couple extra bucks ‘sure Berta no problem.’ And all he ever asked in return was clean sheets and hosing the vomit off the occasion drug-addled hooker
Herb: What a beautiful story
Alan: I wonder what it is
Delivery Man: it’s from a crematorium so that kinda narrows it down
Alan: It’s my brother. Berta! Charlie’s here!
Alan: So now the question is what do we do with you? I know what you said you wanted but I really don’t think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.
Walden: Trust me, money does not buy happiness
Alan: I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had either
Alan: That’s my dead brother
Walden: Oh. I’m sorry I made you spill him
Alan: That’s ok, I’ll dust bust him later
Walden: I’m just gonna go back to my hotel room and update my Facebook status to ‘not dead yet’
Alan: 1.3 billion dollars and he’s hung like an elephant
Alan: Nobody likes the taste of alcohol, we like the effects of alcohol. How it makes you feel tall, good looking and smart
Walden: I am tall, good looking and smart.
Alan: So don’t take this the wrong way but I can’t get the image of your penis out of my mind.
Walden: Thank you that’s very sweet
Alan: This crap about loving our exes is gold! My brother would be so proud.
Walden: The dude in the dust buster?
Berta: Oh good golly
Walden: I’m Walden
Berta: I’m impressed!
Walden: Oh Alan, guess what, I had sex with two girls last night.
Alan: Great, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
Walden: I like my night better.
Season 9 of Two and a Half Men continues on Comedy Central in October but you can watch clips of Ashton Kutcher’s debut on Two and a Half Men here.